MINI-GUIDE TO PERSONAL ADS

Boi: It’s like “boy” but with an i! Because boy just takes so long to type, they needed to shorten it. Oh wait. No. It’s not shortened at all. It’s exactly the same amount of letters. So, um, what’s the point? And tell me which is worse: A 30 year old man calling themselves a boi (conceited!) or a 50 year old man in search of a boi (creepy!)?

Vers: Short for “versatile”, this means that they enjoy giving as much as receiving, which — contrary to how it sounds — has nothing to do with the Christmas spirit. Oh, and they’re probably lying to make themselves seem more appealing.

Fun: “Fun” doesn’t mean a rousing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. It means sex. However you can guarantee that balls will be going into mouths.

Maybe More: As in “looking for friends, maybe more” which means “under no circumstances do I want a relationship, I’m just saying it’s a possibility so we can keep getting it on.”

Discreet: Married.

VGL: “Very Good Looking”. What ever happened to a little modesty? Everyone knows that if you’re asked to rate your looks on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re supposed to bring your personal opinion down two notches, and allow the other person to say “Oh no! You’re much higher than that!” But if anyone ever writes just GL, then you’re in trouble, because they’re probably uggo.

Masc: Short for “masculine”. When describing themselves, people enjoy throwing around the word “masculine”, not because they enjoy monster truck rallies and deer hunting. It just means they’re not one of those homos you can see floating down the street from a mile away, and you better not be one either.

No Drama: Doesn’t everyone hate drama? Has anyone ever said “I love drama!” as in “If you try and break it off with me, I’ll call you every fifteen minutes and show up at your place of work!” Saying “no drama” is useless because humans are dramatic creatures by nature, and it is ridiculous to just say “no drama” and expect people to obey. Oh, and people who say they hate drama, are the most dramatic queens you’ll ever meet.

NSA: “No Strings Attached”. Like the first single of the NSync album of the same name, they will be saying “Bye Bye Bye” before your head even hits the pillow.

LTR: “Long Term Relationship”. Long is all relative. Unless you ask for it in inches. Even then, it’s still a bit iffy.

Fats: As in “No fats!” as in “I’m super gorgeous and only want other super gorgeous people to reply to me, and even the idea of deleting your fat, disgusting message to me makes me want to binge and purge.” Using the word fat in this way makes me think of potato chip bags that say “No Trans Fats Added!” Why not say “fatties”? We all know what you mean, and you’re obviously throwing all sense of politeness out the window, so why not just go the whole nine yards? Besides, who doesn’t like a little cushion with their pushin?

Open-minded: Don’t be alarmed if I ask you to pee on me.